What is your greatest fear?
For me, the answer is simple. My greatest fear is wasted time.
I know when most people think about “wasted time,” they instantly think about laziness or the absence of productivity. However, for me, it’s less about my ability to produce something; it is more about putting in the energy to pursue a person or a vision and have it lead to nothing.
Here’s an example:
In Fall 2011, after starting my third year of undergraduate school at FIU, I fell for a guy named Steve in a way that I have never known before.
(Funny part is… it all started with one dance…)
Unlike most college students, I made the point to connect with Christians through an organization named CRU within the first few weeks of living on campus. With time, I not only made a few friends, but they invited me to their fall retreat. I chose to attend instead of doing something more “wild” for my 21st birthday. By the first or second night, I found myself in the hands of Steve, who was patiently teaching me how to dance salsa as my stubborn ass actively rebelled against letting this man lead or “have control.” (HAHA)
Stubbornness aside, this night was the first time I really “saw” Steve. His genuine kindness and servant’s heart created a desire in me to know him better. He had a knack for making me feel loved and cared for in a way that I had not ever experienced before. So naturally, I ran and avoided him as much as I could, but as luck would have it, we both found ourselves in leadership positions with CRU, which meant I had to stop running and face my feelings.
Long story short, after several months of pining over Steve, I had to be honest with myself and admit that, although I had very strong feelings for him, Steve was not it and spending so much time with him only made things more confusing for me. I eventually had to have a conversation with him about emotional boundaries. Of course, he got defensive in typical male fashion and made me feel foolish/crazy for being honest with him. (What a waste)
Today, as I reflect on this question, I am also reminded that the fear of “wasted time” is something that not only shows up within the context of my relationships but also within the context of my faith and spiritual life. My greatest fear is to live a life dedicated to God and his vision of liberation only to find out that, in the end, evil will always win. Lately, as I consider the state of the world, racism, and how my blackness plays a role in how I interact with the world, my prayer is that my dedication to this faith isn’t wasted time.